i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
