I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
