my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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