Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
