I think I died a long time ago.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
