if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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