Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
