You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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