i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
