Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
