He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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