Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
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Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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