Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
