We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
