if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
