Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
