Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
