She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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