u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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