Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
