I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
