i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
then he tried to convert me to islam
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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