I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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