Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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