Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
