Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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