i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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