On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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