That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
