Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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