It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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