how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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