Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
