Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
