Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
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You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
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One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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