two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
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Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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