Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I checked into jail on foursquare
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
