based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
