sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
