My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
