hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
