Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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