nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
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He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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