its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
