dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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