i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
