my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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