When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
