dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
