He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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