Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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