Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
