She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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