We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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